Not good.

I feel like shit. Worthless, a loser. Not measuring up. Can’t get anything right. Alone. This has been most of the week. Also, I ate General Tso’s today. Was tired of beans, of salad. It’s sitting in my stomach and it’s disgusting. Will probably gain a ton.

Week 5- 262.4 =)

Ate better (mostly, except yesterday), strictly did elliptical machine five days. Nice! Back on track.

Beginning of Week 4... 267.2 =(

I went up a little this week. While I’m not happy about it, I at least know why it happened- well I have a clue in any case. I at shrimp-fried rice and apparently it is LOADED with salt…plus some salads I had were unusually salty as well- those were my mistakes. So I believe my body just held onto water for dear life, not to mention I may of over-done it on the calorie front. No flour/sugar or not, calories are calories. I tried drinking more water to flush everything out but to no avail. Also, I only exercised one day last week.



Last week was just off and awful in general. I felt sluggish and tired for what seemed like no reason (thus the not going to gym). It was hard to wake up even when I went to bed extra early. Everything was just off..nothing felt right at all, nothing *went* right at all. I was feeling very down and out of sorts. The best way I can describe it, it was like when a superhero loses their powers.



I did finally buy new jeans on Sunday, from Old Navy. I was down a size…or actually I was down TWO sizes, I had been wearing my current jeans with the belt cinched all the way to the last notch, but these were now just big to the point of not being able to be held up even w/ a belt. I got a new, smaller belt too (woot!). I used to shop in Old Navy all the time…stuff that is good for work and just hanging out that is relatively cheap. If you’re creative you can hook up some good looks in there. It felt good to be back in there and out of the “Big & Tall” section, for pants at least. Shirts- haven’t gotten there yet. Had to go to K & G for shirts, but at least they were sharp…I’ll get into the whole big men/ big women vs. fashion at a later date. That could be a whole separate blog by itself!



So, this is a new week. Despite having much to do in the morning I got up really early and went to the gym- I’m going to just do cardio this week. Today wasn’t a great food day starting out, I found myself unprepared again. So it was cashews and a grilled chicken/spinach salad from Applebee’s (which was not that great, btw). I did get all of my water in though. I feel pretty wiped out but I think going to bed early will solve that issue, after all I was up very early. So, I will hit the cardio hard this week, make better food choices, and do my best to not worry about the things I can’t do anything about, though for me that is always harder than it would seem.

Beginning of Week 3- 265.4lbs

So official weigh-in has me down 3.4- good stuff! I have now surpassed the ten pound mark. Just over 10lbs. in 21 days. Not bad, not bad. Still have so far to go but I try not to think about it. This weekend was a bit of a challenge, but one that I did navigate successfully. At a party I wound up sitting _at_ the desert table. I'm talking pies, cakes, these special little donut thingies that came from an apple orchard. I must of been at that table for over an hour. The coconut creme pie was definitely calling me. Call me crazy if you want, I was staring at it and it was staring right back at me. Especially since there was this little *sliver* of a piece..it was like, "It's o.k. I'm just a little sliver of pie. You'll be fine. It's just a taste." But I resisted. Some way, some how. Also I was sitting directly in front of a pumpkin pie that looked really good. I guess I just want this so bad, moreso than cake or pie or anything like that.

I did have two beers though. The one was a pumpkin spice beer (*really* good!) and the second I just had because I thought I was going to have to hop in the hot tub there in order to avoid social ostracization. I hadn't even brought a suit. Luckily it was all unnecessary. I have the same fear/phobia of taking off my shirt in public that most people do of public speaking to really, really large crowds. I'd much rather speak to the large crowd. Or go pantless. I can deal w/ going pantless. This issue though, will be explored at a later time in more depth.

Let's hear it for not-so-small victories!

Yesterday I passed a major hurdle, and I am very proud of myself for clearing it! Yesterday was perhaps one of the longer days of my life...I was cranky, sleep deprived, and starving. By 11am I had been up eight hours and had had coffee and a pork chop (I know, not the most nutritious breakfast but it's what I had available!). Now usually in these circumstances, I use it as an excuse to eat however much I want and whatever I want, and I want it *fast* and preferably cheap as well. Yes, I am still talking about food! ;)

In any case...I resisted that urge..I had come too far. I was pressed against time though because I had to be at work and had about a half hour to eat whatever it was I was going to eat. So it came down to two choices- either Applebee's and their spinach and grilled shrimp salad (delicious!) or going to Rite-Aid and grabbing a can of cashews. They would of tasted really good but portion control would of been an issue, and I was worried about the fat content. It all hinged upon whether Applebee's was open or not- I let fate make the decision for me.

They were open, and I had the salad and a glass of water w/ lemon. The salad was good, and actually filling. I kinda felt bad for the girl behind the bar who was serving me because I know she wasn't going to make jack on my order..and she was trying. Offered a soda, a diet soda, soup w/ the salad. Good on her. So I was going to leave a little extra for the tip. In the course of conversation w/ her, turns out she's the wife of an old friend from high school. Amazing. Definitely got the extra tip, and now I have a friend behind the bar at the Applebee's near my job. So everybody won. I managed to stick to plan the rest of the day- not very nutritious but I got through it, and really didn't eat that much at all. Had sushi for dinner. Cheap, horrible sushi, but it was sustenance and on plan.

For I think the first time ever, I controlled what I put in my body as related to my emotions. I made my end goal bigger than my immediate, *temporary* concern. My body thought it was starving to death and that it needed a lot of food to accomplish the goal..but in reality that wasn't the case at all. I live in the U.S.A. in suburban NJ and surrounded by friends and family. God willing these circumstances persist, I am *never* going to actually be _hungry_. Just unprepared. Also, I needed only a fraction of the amount of food that I thought I would need to feel full. So let's hear it for not-so-small victories!

P.S.- Unofficial weigh-in has me at 265.4, which brings me to -11.2lbs total as of today. Guess who has two thumbs and is going shopping? That's right, THIS guy!!! ;)

Rewards

Something I learned from Weight Watchers- Rewards for goals are important. When you're trying to lose weight, It's even more important that you do not reward yourself in the form of food...i.e., "Wow I've done really well so I'm going to allow myself to have blahblahblah". It's self-defeating and is taking a step back.

So I've decided that when I reach -10lbs., I am going to buy myself a Phillies NL East Championship hat. And a new pair of jeans, which I now desperately need. I may do an un-official weigh in this weekend...hahaha!