Beginning of Week 2- 272.0lbs

I managed to survive the weekend without blowing it. I even drove past McDonald's, which is my usual stop after a night in the city. I've been in a real shitty mood lately though. Depressed even. I think it may still be the sugar withdrawal (a couple of *weeks*? Really??), or it may be other things...or a combination. Who knows. I'm thinking I may have to put FAA on the back burner until I get more info. As great supportive as the meetings are, I think their food plan may be a little too restrictive for me. Their plan is crafted to eliminate the cravings that set people off on binges. Thus, the only artificial sweetener they allow is saccharin- which is horrible for you! I won't ingest saccharin if I can help it. Apparently the others, including stevia- are too much like real sugar and thus can set off a craving. Also, no nuts of any kind. And I love cashwews. Nuts are allowed on Dr. Gott's program, you just can't go all wild because they are high in fat (even if it is the good kind). Also on the FAA program there is no alcohol. At all. Sad face. So for now I will definitely stick with Dr. Gott. We shall see about FAA.

I don't get cravings, really. There are things I can do without. What I realized today is that for me food is about comfort, and that comfort comes from CONTROL. I can control food- I can have what I want, when I want it, how ever much of it I want. I believe it fills in for all of the things in my life I feel like I don't have control over. So food has been filling that gap for me. It is instant gratification. So it would seem I have to start learning how to take control over other aspects of my life. What is odd is not that I necessarily miss the taste of things like pizza, cake, cheeseburgers, or whatever else- I miss having the control of choice, of being able to HAVE it, of being able to exert control over something. I think of all of these food items like lost friends. I wave from far away.

I try not to think of how far away my goal is, how much time it will take. I'm so hooked on *now*. However I get a look at myself in the mirror when I wake up and ungh...I know I have to keep going. I pretty much hate myself. I feel..distorted. This body is no fun. However I guess penance is due. Everything tastes bland. I don't even like food anymore I think. Except cashews and water. Oh and I made some great chicken. I can only eat so much chicken though. We soldier on...